Random commentary and senseless acts of blogging.
The first Republican president once said, "While the people retain their virtue and their vigilance, no administration by any extreme of wickedness or folly can seriously injure the government in the short space of four years." If Mr. Lincoln could see what's happened in these last three-and-a-half years, he might hedge a little on that statement.
Prisoners of Azkaban
Friday, June 14, 2002
The Lighter Side of Terrorist Atrocities
The Onion, desperately trying to regain its status as the most trusted news source in China, has scooped the world media on the recent discovery near the city of Potzrebie of the body of Mad Magazine reporter Phil Fonebone, believed to have been murdered by Blecchistani terrorists.
Though many of the specifics regarding Fonebone's murder remain unclear, some details are known. The body was badly decomposed, but coroners identified it by its oversized, folded-over feet. As for the identity of the perpetrators, reports suggest the involvement of one or more mysterious, trench-coated espionage agents dressed in either all-white or all-black clothing, and described as "angular, birdlike males with wide-brimmed, pointy hats."
A recently leaked memo from the State Department also confirms the interception of a Morse-coded message suggesting that the plot may have been masterminded by a shadowy figure known only as "Prohias." This same figure may have been responsible for an elaborate swivel-turret backwards-firing cannon found at the scene of the dirigible attack.
At the time of his capture, Fonebone was tracking down members of the al-Jaffi terrorist network, a group widely believed responsible for the devastating Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions Atrocities, a string of May suicide bombings intended to undermine efforts to establish democracy in Blecchistan. Asked if they knew anything about rumored al-Jaffi involvement in the Fonebone murder, suspects detained in connection with the bombings replied only with a series of three sarcastic variations on "No," leaving a fourth response blank for State Department officials to fill in themselves.
It is suspected that the murder may have been caused by Mad's refusal to print several recent pamphlets from the Blecchistan League of Evil America Haters (BLEAH), including the titles 'Israelity Bites', 'Jew Lies', and 'I Know What You Yid Last Summer'. The controversial pamphlets can be found here.
When asked for the White House response to the murder, spokesman Alfred E. Fleischer said, "What - me worry?"